


Letters To Armin (House Of Memories)

by armins_titan_form



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Dead Armin Arlert, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kind of Eremin, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-10-14 14:37:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10538526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/armins_titan_form/pseuds/armins_titan_form
Summary: Promise me a placeIn your house of memoriesThose are the last words Armin leaves behind.Alone without his best friend, Eren doesn't know how to cope.





	

__2017/01/03

 

Dear Armin,

 

I really don’t know how to start this. I didn’t even want to do this, but Mikasa’s making me. She thinks it’ll help me get over what happened.

I doubt it though.

There’s not a lot that can help someone get over losing their best friend, especially when there was so much I could have done to stop you. I don’t think she understands that not everyone can get over people dying like she does.

I’ve got some questions for you, Armin, if you don’t mind.

First off, why? Pretty cliché question I know, but still. You were always… so upbeat and life like, especially at the end. When I saw you in that coffin, though, I saw the opposite.

 

The councillors said that people with depression tend to hide their symptoms, though, and I guess that’s what you were doing. They also told us there was “nothing we could have done” and that “you had made up your mind”. Which was complete bullshit, apparently, because the next thing they did was give us leaflets on “Warning Symptoms of Suicide.” So there apparently was things we could have done.

 

That brings me to my next question: Why didn’t you tell anyone, Armin? Why didn’t you tell us you were upset, for fucks sakes? In that goddamn note you left, you said that you thought nobody cared about you anymore, that you were slowly being replaced.

I cared, you dumbass. I cared so goddamn much.

Apparently, you thought, differently.

That fucking note.  
  
I swore I wasn’t going to write anymore notes, but here we fucking are!

That note was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to read in my life.

The funeral was even harder.

Remember that thing I said earlier about seeing you in that coffin? That was the worst thing I’ve ever seen, and I saw my mother get fucking murdered. You were so pale laying there, so… lifeless, I didn’t even realize it was the same person Everybody cried at that fucking thing. Reiner, Jean, fuck I think even Ymir cried, as much as she denied it after.

It was hardest to see Mikasa cry. I think this was the first time any of us have ever seen her cry before.

She seems better, but fuck, Armin, we both miss you so goddamned much.

You ended off that godforsaken note with one quote: “Promise me a place/ In your house of memories.”

We all have, Armin. I don’t think any of us are going to forget you anytime soon.

Love, Eren

2017/01/05

 

Dear Armin,

  
I really don’t know why I’m writing to you again. I got lots of what I had to say out in my previous letter. But, as always Mikasa was right. It did help. A tiny bit.

  
I don’t even know what I’m going to do with these. There isn’t a lot I can do. There isn’t a whole lot I can write about, either, so I think I’ll just keep you updated on what’s happening down here.

Which is, nothing.

I went back to school, finally, today. That was hard. The seat where you once sat was empty, and it was so… dead in there. It was the longest 15 minutes of my life, and no one said anything the entire class.

English was the worst, because the desks we used to sit at had been moved somewhere else. I almost would have broken down there, hadn’t it been for Marco. I swear to you, Armin, that kid is a fucking angel.

He’s been making sure everyone’s been doing alright, and told us that if any of us need anything to let him know.

Other than that, not a whole lot has happened.

I think I’m going to go to sleep now. I don’t know when I’m going to write again.

  
I miss you

Eren

2017/02/03

 To Armin,

 

God, where does the time go? It’s been, what, 2 months since you did it? I don’t know. Time’s an illusion, and I was never the smart one. That was always you.

An awful lot has happened since then. I don’t know where to start.

Let’s start with me. I am currently, Armin Arlert, what the kids would call, a fucking mess. My grades are dropping at an alarming rate, I’ve lost any sort of motivation I once possessed, I haven’t been to school in weeks and I haven’t left my room in 3 days.

Whoop-de-fucking-do.

I don’t really know how the others are doing. I haven’t seen them since around mid January-ish, so I’ll tell you were last I saw them.

They also appear to be messes. Big time.

I haven’t seen Sasha eat a full lunch in weeks, and I’m pretty sure Connie’s grades have dropped even lower, which I really didn’t think was possible.

Annie’s been even quieter, and I think she started skipping class. She hasn’t been in English for a week. Reiner and Bertolt both seem smaller, somehow, as if you dying took something out of them.

Historia and Ymir have secluded themselves from the rest of us. We barely talk anymore.

The only people who don’t seem like it affecting are Jean and Mikasa, but both are just putting up facades, I think the word is. I only know about Jean because of Marco, though. As much of an asshole that Jean is, he’s apparently cried about it, which seems pretty out of character, but its nice to know he cares.

And Mikasa? I can hear her crying at night. It’s so awful, Armin. God, I wish there was something I could say, something I could do to make her feel better.

But there isn’t.

And I think that’s one of the worst feelings.

I’m going to go now.

I miss you

Eren

2017/02/10

 

Dear Armin,

 

I still don’t really know what I’m gonna do with these. The other two are just stacked in a drawer in my dresser. I’ll think of something eventually.

 

Mikasa made me go back to school on Monday, and I guess it was okay. They’ve dropped my art rotation, though. My grades have apparently suffered a lot, and now I’m in a tutorial class, which is basically a class where I go and do home work for an hour. It doesn’t matter to me much, though. I don’t really care much, anyway.

I’ve got a confession to make to you, Armin: I still can’t bring myself to read your note. I’ve got it here, too. I doubt I’ll be able to read it with out crying, though.

 

Oh, you wanna know why I’ve got it? Your grandpa gave it to me, after the funeral, said he thought I should have it, seeing as I was your best friend.

  
  
I hate that. Referring to you in the past tense.

I would say it hurts, but I don’t really know what hurt feels like anymore. I think I’ve forgotten. I think I forgot how it feels to be sad, too. I don’t really know how to feel anymore, Armin, I’ve just become kind of… numb. Its fucking terrifying.

 

I think that’s enough from me for tonight.

 

Night

Eren

2017/02/15

 

Dear Armin,

 

Reiner broke today.

 

It was awful, Armin. It was fucking awful.

He just broke down and started crying and screaming. I don’t think any of us really knew what to do, not even Bertolt. It took the combine efforts of him, Marco, and a bit of help from Annie to calm him down.

 

I would have helped, but fuck, I really don’t know what I would have done. I kind of wanted to join him, to be honest.

The whole class got the rest of the day off.

Kind of weird, isn’t it? How fucking bad everyone’s still being effected.  
I dunno. I don’t really have anything else to say.

Bye for now,

Eren

2017/02/20

Dear Armin,

 

I finally did it.

I read the whole note.  
And my god did I cry. I cried so hard.

We never thought of you as a burden, Armin. I don’t really know why you felt that way, but I guess that was the depression talking.

It seems to be talking to me a lot, lately.

I also don’t really understand why you didn’t tell anyone. You said you were scared of being abandoned, but I know I wouldn’t have left you. Some best friend I would have been.

At least I know why you wore sweaters all the time, and why you hated bumping in volleyball so much, and why you always changed in a stall. You said you wanted to feel something other than sadness and numbness, but you didn’t know how. So you took it out on yourself.

I wish you would have told me about that, too.

I don’t really know how much else I can write tonight.

I miss you so goddamn much,

Eren.

2017/02/28

 

Dear Armin,

 

Mikasa disappeared tonight.

  
I don’t know where she went, but fuck, I’m terrified.

 

I can’t lose another person I care about.

 

Im sorry Im not goin to finish this till we find her

Eren

2017/02/28 (part 2)

 

Dear Armin,

We found her.

She’s alive.

Whether or not she’s okay is debateable, but she’s home now.

I’m so tired.

Good night,

Eren.

2017/03/04

 

Dear Armin,

 

I understand now.

 

What you meant by wanting to feel something again.

Because I miss it. I miss feeling happy, and sad, and angry, but now I’m just numb.

 

Mikasa still won’t tell anyone where she went. She tells me it’s none of my business, but I can see it. She’s breaking, slowly. Just like me.

I wanted to mention something else.

In your note, you said something. And I haven’t forgotten it.

You said you liked me.

Another thing you should have told me.

Because now that I realize it, I liked you too.

Guess its too late to say that now.

I love you.

Eren.

2017/03/05

 

Dear Armin,

 

You were right, as usual.

It does make you feel something again.

 

Eren

2017/03/06

 

Dear Armin,

 

Things are so hard now. I miss you so goddamn much. I just wish I could bring you back. Theres nothing here for me anymore.

Come back,

Eren

2017/03/17

 

Dear Armin,

 

Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I haven’t done much of anything for a while.

  
Mikasa finally cracked. She came into my room crying last night. Just… cried and told me what happened and where she’s been lately.

 

Apparently, she’s been going to parties, and doing a bunch of illegal shit to try and forget. She just sat in my arms and cried, apologizing over and over. Wasn’t till she had finished crying that I realized I didn’t have a sweater on.

My arms just made her cry again.

I don’t blame her.

They’re a mess, a mix of white and red.

I told her, by the way.

 

About the fact that I’m gay. She said she didn’t care. She just wants to see me happy again.

So do I.

Both of us promised we’d try to stop for the other. I’ll let you know how that goes.

I love you

Eren

2017/03/29

 

Dear Armin,

 

We both broke our promises.

 

I only know about Mikasa for one reason though: she’s been hospitalized. Got hit by a car walking home.

 

Fuck.

 

They don’t know what’s gonna happen to her. Her head got hit pretty hard.

 

I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it if she dies.

 

I hope that when the two of us do die, though, they’ve got the heart to bury us with you.

Wouldn’t be a trio, other wise.

 

I miss you

 

Eren.

2017/04/08

 

Dear Armin,

 

An update on Kasa: she’s still alive, but she’s comatose. We don’t know when she’s going to wake up.

 

I was listening to the radio on the way to the hospital, and a song came on, as they do. There wasn’t a whole lot that was interesting about this song, except for one line: Promise me a place/In your house of memories.

My dad thought I lost my mind when I started crying out of nowhere.

I’ve had it on repeat since then.

House of Memories.

An interesting concept, when you think about it. Maybe I will one day.

 

From the house of memories

Eren.

2017/04/09

 

Dear Armin,

I know what I’m going to do with these now.

 

I’m going to put them in bottles and throw them in the ocean, since you loved it so much. They say Mikasa is doing a little better. Still don’t know when she’s going to wake up, though.

  
I’ve been doing okay, too, I guess.

 

Much love,

Eren

2017/04/30

 

Dear Armin,

 

She’s gone.

 

She’s gone.

 

I don’t think I’m going to see July.

I’m so sorry. I was going to hold on, for while longer, but there’s literally no-one I really care about here anymore. Sure, there’s our classmates, but I think they’ve all moved on. Even Reiner’s doing better.

 

See you soon,

Eren

2017/05/03

Dear Armin,

 

This is it.

 

The final letter.

 

After I’ve finished it, I’m going to throw it and the rest of the notes into the ocean.

  
Then I’m going to throw myself off a bridge.

I’ve got everything ready. I’ve got a note ready, explaining every thing.

In a way, I’m kind of sorry. In a way, I’m not. I’m ready for things to be over.

I’m ready to see you two again. I love you, Armin. See you soon.

 

Signing off one last time,

Much love,

Eren.

**Author's Note:**

> lmao this was kind of a mess. I stg i'm going to have happier stuff up.


End file.
